Free couples exercise

Discovering your "negative cycle"

By Albert Wong, PhD, Clinical Psychologist · Adapted from concepts in Dr. Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight

We frequently get caught in familiar but negative patterns of relating, especially with those we care about most. Left untended, these patterns can erode our love and affection for each other. Identifying your negative cycle — and learning to see the cycle, not your partner, as the common enemy — is a foundational step in decreasing conflict and increasing connection.

Think of someone you care about with whom you have (perhaps frequent) conflict, tension, or disconnection. If they're available, fill this out together. If not, make your best guesses about what they feel and do.

Completely private: your answers are processed on this page, in your browser. Nothing you enter is sent anywhere or stored by us.

Who's in this dance?

Your name Their name

1 · From your perspective

When you feel conflict, tension, or disconnection with them, what do you typically do? Check everything that applies.

2 · From their perspective

Now imagine things from their side. (If they're here, ask them — otherwise, make your best guesses.) When they feel conflict, tension, or disconnection with you, what do they typically do?

3 · Your feelings underneath

When you feel disconnected from them, or you're not getting along, which emotions do you tend to feel most often?

Deeper down, which of these feels most true for you in those moments?

4 · Their feelings underneath

And your best guess for them — which emotions do they tend to feel when you two aren't getting along?

Deeper down, which of these is your best guess for them?

Show us our cycle

Instant — computed right here on this page.

This exercise is for reflection and psychoeducation; it is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. If your relationship involves abuse, intimidation, or fear for your safety, a "shared cycle" framing does not apply — please reach out to a professional or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233). Adapted from concepts in Dr. Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

More free tools

The Feelings Wheel Seven core emotions unfolding into 100+ specific feelings — click the wheel to build your "I feel…" statement. The Sensations Wheel From The Healing Trauma Workbook: ~150 words for what you feel in your body — build your interoceptive vocabulary. Body Map of Emotions Where do you feel it in your body? Mark sensations on an interactive figure and download your somatic map.